4 Months Today...
And we are missing you every bit as much, and in some ways more. As reality sinks in and time moves on it is a reminder that you are no longer here with us. Your party was a lot of fun for your friends and yes, they smiled and laughed and had a good time... which is what you would have wanted... but I can guarantee you that not one person there didn't think of you constantly. I know it took a few long moments for some guys to get themselves over the sadness of just showing up and you not being there... I thought they weren't going to be able to play at all. I could tell it was getting to them, but they snapped out of it and joined the games.
I know that I thought of you and cried every time I walked out to that field, knowing you had made that trek dozens of times... anticipating the game... knowing your friends were out there waiting for you... and it was just plain hard to do. I was glad we wore masks, so no one could see the pain, and I bet others felt the same way. But it's what we had to do... and to pay tribute to you and your passion for the sport, you guys were "paintballer's 4 life"... and you are still alive... just in another place and time... where you are never sad or hurt or depressed or angry.
As I said in the beginning of all of this, "if we really think about it and where you are, we should all want to be there". And we do.
I know that your profile on myspace doesn't reflect who you were to your friends... you were much cooler and listened to their kind of music and had other plans for your time here on earth... as we all seem to do in life... we plan our time here on earth. We focus on our hobbies and interests and not where we are going from here. But when I found out what you had gone through in the weeks before you died, in relation to you coming to know Jesus and accepting Him as your saviour... I felt I had to share that, and explain it, and put it into perspective for your friends... I can't overlook it... it's too important.
Because when all is said and done and you are leaving this world... it doesn't matter one bit who your friends were, or family, or what your hobbies and passions were, what kind of music you liked or where you went to school.... ALL that matters when all is said and done... is IF you have a relationship with God. Because when your time comes (and none of us know when that will be!), you HAVE to be prepared in that way... otherwise, we don't know where we go from here... and there is nothing else we can do to prepare for that... nothing.... If you were sick and we knew ahead of time you were going to die, it wouldn't have mattered... you would still be dying and still be leaving this world and ALL that would matter was if you had a relationship with God. NOTHING else matters because as they say... "you can't take it with you". All you can take is the state of your heart and mind and soul... and yours was in a truly good place... focusing on God... even in the last moments when riding down that road and trying to get Gurn to put his trust in God and see that Jesus was real and does love us enough to die for us...
I think people still think of death as a punishment... but death is a reality of life... it is the ONLY guarantee in life... and we can't control it or stop it... if God knows it's our time, it's going to happen somehow, someway... and all that matters at that moment in time when we leave this world is if we have that relationship with God. And I am so thankful... you have NO IDEA how thankful I am... that you had developed that relationship... you gave God your heart... you believed in Him and you trusted Him... And I thank you so much for that... and for teaching us how precious and precarious life truly is... and for showing us what matters most....

A FRIEND

Someone you can share your inner feelings with ~ knowing you won't be judged or rejected.
Someone who gives freely ~ without expectation or motivation.
Someone who lets you be who you are ~ if you want to change, it's up to you.
Someone who is there when you're hurting ~ offering true tenderness.
Someone who sees your beauty ~ your true beauty.
Someone who gives you space when it's needed ~ without hesitation.
Someone who listens ~ to what you're really saying.
Someone who will consider your different beliefs ~ without judgement.
Someone who is comfortable to be with ~ anytime, anywhere, doing anything.
Someone you will always feel close to ~ even when they are far away.

A Friend is a special gift... to be cherished forever....

Cody, I miss you so much! Your birthday is in 5 days! You'd be 15. I always think of you! Your never forgotten,. Your the best man. I can't waittt to see you and my grandfather up there!  :))
I want to see those blue eyes again. I love you so much.

August 13th to August 20th, 1992

Well, tomorrow is the day for me, next Monday is the day for Cody. Either way, it's all about him now... as is every day... I still think about him constantly, and he still has an effect on everything I do, think or say.
Because I don't know what to do with myself, my birthdays just won't be the same, I thought I'd go ahead and write this blog and share some memories with everyone.
Cody was actually "due" on my birthday. And that particular year my birthday was going to be on a Friday the 13th... AND it was a full moon. So they say that more babies are born on a full moon, and since it was my birthday and a Fri. the 13th, I just KNEW he was going to be born then... couldn't be any other day!
We were all prepared, the baby room ready, the bags packed, the whole family was on standby. I worked up until that week. I had planned to have one week off before and one week after, because we couldn't afford for me to take more time. And it was HOT! And miserable... I was HUGE! The doctors had told me he was going to be a big baby... around 9 lbs. And we knew for sure that he was a boy because the ultrasound definetly showed his "turtle"... that's what the nurse and doctor called it because in the photo it looked exactly like a turtle!! And we called it that for years as he was growing up! 
Anyhow, as you all know... he wasn't born on Friday the 13th... God and Cody had other plans... so he decided to make me wait another full week. In fact, they'd said that if he wasn't born on the 20th, they were going to induce labor because he was getting really big! But sure enough, he decided to join this world right on time!! And since I was only really in full labor for 2 hours I didn't get to have my epidural... so I felt it ALL! And it was rough! I yelled at everyone cause they weren't ready... Angela had taken 21 hours to be born so no one expected Cody to come so fast. They were telling me to wait and I wouldn't! The doctor (Dr. Gray) barely made it to my room, he was in the beginning of a C-section down the hall and they had to make her wait!
Well, he was almost the biggest baby born that day... and when the nurses saw him they understood why I was so upset with them. He weighed 10 lbs. 1 oz.!! But when we got upstairs we found out there was a 14 lb. baby in the nursery.
Anyhow, of course he was PERFECT... and a perfect baby... very easygoing, not too fussy... slept good and grew up way too fast...
I remember so many "looks" he had... expressions.... and they always make me cry... cause for some reason I would just look at him sometimes, as if to freeze him in my mind... but I didn't know why. And not long before he passed away, I found myself looking at how he had grown up so much... gotten so tall so fast that he was as skinny as a rail! He'd outgrown his baby fat. His pants were always falling off! We used to laugh at him, and I remember seeing him walk around with his phone in one hand and holding his pants up with the other... he had belts! He just wouldn't wear them! He was all grown up... the face of the baby boy was changed. 
If you compare his 7th grade photo with his 8th grade... you can see how much he grew up. I can just remember one day, somewhere along the way, looking at him and thinking "Wow! He has grown up overnight!" And one night here in the kitchen when I caught myself staring at him, freezing that picture in my mind... he noticed I was looking and just smiled at me, with that half smile, just like the one in his photo we have used so much.... it was on his phone, and it reminds me so much of him... that is just how I remember his face. I miss that smile so bad!!!! Sometimes I just don't know what to do... he was the ONLY decent man I ever knew in my lifetime and now he's gone. Sometimes I just can't stand the thought of it... it hurts so bad... so I just have to force myself to think about something else, but it never fails, he always comes back.... and that's okay, I'm not trying to forget him, just "get through it" one memory at a time....

It's been 3 months today... too long since I've seen you or heard your laugh, or taken you to see your friends & play paintball, or listened to your crazy computer games... I miss it all! And so much more!! Life is NEVER going to be the same... it will never be as good... it will never be okay...
But since I know that the one thing that makes this all bearable is knowing that you are safe in God's hands... I know I have to make sure that your family and friends will be too... Today is "National Parents Day", and our church is having a dedication ceremony for the kids who didn't get dedicated when they were young. I am doing that for your sisters, even though I can't be a part of the ceremony itself... it's too soon... and I get too upset... but just know that I will be there and I am making that commitment... I don't want anyone to leave this world without knowing Jesus and having that opportunity to be in heaven with you...
Thank you for watching over your friends and family and keeping them safe... you're a beautiful angel... and "you are loved"!!